Glee Episode
I started watching an episode of glee at work yesterday and it really got to me. In this particular episode, a former homophobe and bully was outed at his new school as gay. He had the word fag written on his locker and once he got home, he found hate messages scrawled on his Facebook. Upon seeing this he decides to attempt to commit suicide by hanging himself in his closet. His father finds him so luckily he survived. But after this part, I had to turn the episode off. That was all to real to me… All too painful. I just couldn’t watch anymore. I sat there and cried. The reason this struck me so hard was that it was like watching my own struggles and a previous girlfriend’s struggles. I was bullied on High School. I wasn’t just called a fag or a dyke but I was physically, emotionally, and mentally attacked everyday. I had a girl follow me around and call me a fag every day. I was pushed into lockers, hit, and beaten for being gay. People would avoid me in the locker room and spread nasty rumors about me. They made sure I felt worthless, like nothing. Then i was treated like I didn’t exist. I was ignored but most of my class. I only had a few friends because no one wanted to be gay by associations. I had a few Friends that stuck by me but it was hard. On more than one occasion I thought about taking my own life… There were times where I was very close to achieving that. I tried to be strong but it was so hard when everyone wanted you to fail. Everyone wanted to watch me fall then laugh at me while I was down. This went on for years. Eventually I started to get stronger and not care but everyday was a struggle… Everyday was a battle against wanting to die or wanting to survive. The saving point for me most of High School was a best friend who always supported me and even saved my life by getting me help. Another support I had was my girlfriend Lorena. We were together for 3 years on and off. She was always therefor me when I was depressed. She always told me life was worth living because I was an amazing person even if other people didn’t see it. But there was a day the changed my life… I day I never thought I would see coming. I woke up on morning to a missed call from her. I called her all day and she didn’t answer. I was so scared she was mad at me for something. I thought she was upset I didn’t answer the phone or something like that. Finally after leaving messages and calling her repeatedly, her brother answered the phone. I asked to speak to lorena… He yelled in the phone”why didn’t you save her”. I thought it was a joke. He had to be kidding. I begged to speak to her and he finally said she is dead. I hung up. It had to be a prank. Why would she joke about something like that. It wasn’t funny. The next day at school, my friend called her house for me and found out she had committed suicide… She hung herself in her house and her dad and brother had found her. I was the last person she called. Most likely to say good bye. I later pieced together that lack of acceptance and things going on at school drove her to this. She didn’t even tell me things had gotten that bad. She never self injured, hadn’t tried before, and I never saw ER depressed. She left no note. She just ended it. After seeing how this tore apart her family, how it tore me apart… I could never kill myself. The it gets better movement has something to it. As a teenager, u have so much to live for… It seems so hard now but as you grow, things get better. People mature and emotionally you become stronger. You can survive. Lorena’s death taught me that suicide doesn’t solve the problem. It can destroy to loves of those you leave behind. I’m making a point to be more involved with LGBT youth so they don’t end like Lorena did… I want them to survive. I survived. I’m so much stronger because of the hardships that I faced. It was hard and scary at times but I took it a day at a time. I made it through the pain and let it shape me into the amazing person I am today.